Living Among Us

Living in a very rugged rural land you learn very quickly that you are seldom alone. In Southern Humboldt County you will often find far more wild life then people. And some of the people may look a little wild themselves. We are lucky to have a 80 acre homestead, although most of it is unusable because of the steep terrain and thick forest. My closest neighbor is almost a mile away. We are fortunate in our neighbors. Here in SoHum you hear the stories of the weed crazed Bulgarians or Mexican Cartel starting land wars with the people living closest. Not so in our case. At least not yet. In case of emergency or seeing something out of the norm the people living on our quiet little mountain are quick to call each other and keep each other safe. Usually those calls are fire related. Lately they are Mountain Lion related. It started innocently enough with a "Have you seen my house cat" call. Then another and another. Over the summer and fall months there have been close to 20 house cats go missing. 1 dog has been attacked. So many of us have set up game cameras to try to catch the predator in action. We now have so many pictures we are almost certain we are dealing with more then one cat. At times when you are alone in the forest it feels like there is a pride of lions just out of view watching you. We have stopped letting our kids free range. We have fenced in our pigs and chickens. We are lucky to have two very good guard dogs that keep it out of our yard but other neighbors have not been so lucky. And now we start the debate on how to handle this situation. As a mother my first instinct is to protect my family and hunt the thing. But the Native American in me screams that this was their land before ours and it has more right to kill me then I it. Relocation has never entered my mind though. Why would I exile it to become someone elses problem? So for now we are being cautious and sticking close to home. Never leaving the house without a cell phone and my trusty .380.

Homeschooling

I never thought I would be a homeschooling mother. Much less teaching three kids. The decision to home-school our children came about quite suddenly. Our Bug was in preschool and Sunny was still a babe. I kept noticing all the bad habits Bug was picking up. And the germs. And how she started shutting down when things didn't go the way she thought/wanted them to. After many conversations Bug finally told us that there were several boys in her class that were being very mean and sometimes violent to her. Right about this time California started its pro-vaccination campaign. Our family has a history of vaccination reactions that require us to skip them. Reasons that are not entirely my own to share there for I wont. While we could get a medical exemption I was hesitant to keep my child in a school system I had no faith in. The large class sizes, lack of supervision or discipline, and really mean kids were not my ideal learning situation. So we started to explore our options. The first year we tried a long distance through the mail school. I quickly realized that I needed more supervision to keep me on track. Still to this day we would rather do all our "book" work on one day and all the fun hands on stuff the rest of the week. Another down side was this school was super expensive. With me staying home to teach the kids we were down to a single income and the cost was killing us. The second year Bug transitioned to our local charter school. We would meet with her Teacher once a month and she would make sure we were sticking to the state standards. This is one of the biggest problems I have for this system. They very closely tell me what I can and cannot teach. And when I have to teach these things. In California that means common core. Which is harder for me to teach since it is not how I was taught. One thing I love is that since this is part of the public school system it is free. They actually give me and allotted amount of money to spend on supplies of my choice. Any parent will appreciate this with the amount of arts, crafts, and science experiments children love to do. This is our third year and we have stayed with our charter school. Also enrolling Sunny in Kindergarten. Bug is now in 2nd. While I expected it to be a little harder to teach two different grades at the same time the biggest challenge is keeping my very active almost 2 year old out of our stuff and entertained while we do our work. I might be slightly blessed with two very smart eager learners. They usually will do any and all work that I ask of them. Since I have two kids to keep track of I decided to meet with our teacher weekly to help keep us on task and she also helps provide me with ideas to help the girls in anything they need it with. The hardest part of homeschooling for me is keeping my own head out of it. My anxiety shows itself in the strangest ways. You know that nagging worry we get as parents that we are messing up our children. Now I also have the worry that I am making them fail at learning too. Meeting weekly with the teacher has helped that feeling immensely. Then if anything is going off course or we didn't finish she is right there to stear us back on course. Watching them learn is so rewarding and worth all the stress. The way their little faces light up when they get a right answer or a difficult concept comes clear is magical. And it can be a lot of fun if you let it. How many opportunities does an adult get to play with water beads or make playdoh.

Day in Our LIfe

Our days start early. Earp wakes around 6am. If I am lucky I can snuggle him in my bed and he will let me doze for another hour. Then he wants his sisters. The bond they have is fierce. By fierce I mean that they could hug each other as easily as hit one another. It’s a crazy emotional love hate relationship. As soon as he goes to wake his sisters I head to the French press. Need super strong black coffee asap. Then I usually start us all on our chores. Beds get made, dishes washed and put away, and breakfast started. Honestly, I am not big on cooking. Until my Husband came along I could burn boiled water and some days that is still the case. I have learned a few simple meals over the years I will proudly admit to anyone that will listen. So breakfast is usually omlettes (hello we have chickens), pancakes, or bagels. Then we start school. Its around 10am at this point. Usually takes us around 3 hours to cover the basics. Language arts, math, social studies, science, pe, and electives( ukulele, American Sign Language, Ballet, and Arts and Crafts). Somewhere in there we have lunch. And snacks. And more snacks. I cannot believe how much these three small children eat!! My Husband comes in from whatever tasks he has been completing outside and makes the family dinner. We have all agreed that Mom gets way to frustrated and emotional when no one eats the meals that she cooks so yes Dad cooks dinner. Some things we just have to change in order to make ourselves happy. We let the kids watch a little tv while we shower and relax. Sometimes we play games or wrestle or finish craft projects or school work that didn’t get done. By 8pm we put all the kids to sleep so that I get to spend a little time alone with my self and a little time with my Love. Then it is off to bed around 10 to start the whole thing over again. It’s the stuff that we tend to learn in our free time we like the best though. This year we had our first litter of piglets born on the homestead. We lost some. But most of them thrived. We learned how to castrate the males, and why you should castrate them at all. We then learned and perfected our slaughtering and butchering of the same pigs. We learned how to properly smoke and cure our own hams and bacon and how to make sausage. Not just any sausage but the best tasting sausage we have ever had. That we could say with 100% certainty had no hormones or antibiotics. Was free range and gmo free. Food I could feed my family with no guilt only pride. That we as a family could provide this food for ourselves. Together. It makes me so proud. All three children helped raise feed and butcher these animals. And all three loved the meat we were provided as well. Respecting it because they knew it. Where it came from and the work it took to bring it from piglet to pork roast. This life is not easy. There are obstacles and set backs and doubts at every turn. Every decision is questioned. But it has been worth it.

Spider Web Crafts

Fall is on steroids at my house right now. Homeschooling a 2nd grader and a kindergartner is craft intensive. This week we are focusing on making some fun spooky spiderweb crafts. Specifically, painted glue and salt webs and a fun paper plate yarn weaving web. Both are super easy, and the kids had so much fun! Bonus points for me having all of the materials already on hand. For the glue and salt web you will need: 1. Glue 2. Salt 3. Thick Construction Paper 4. Watercolor Paint and brushes 5. Cookie Sheet Draw out a spiderweb pattern on your paper. Make sure that there is a little extra space between your lines because you don’t want the glue to run together and make a big blob. Then lay your paper in the cookie sheet and sprinkle generously with salt. Make sure to cover ever inch of the web. Pick up the paper and tap it in the cookie sheet to knock off loose salt. Let dry over night. When dry simply paint in any style you wish. The girls loved the way the salt sucked up and spread the paint! For the Paper plate webs you will need: 1. Paper Plate 2. Black tempera paint 3. Hole punch 4. Yarn 5. Pom pom 6. Ribbon First paint the plate black. When dry cut out a large circle in the middle. Take the hole punch and punch a bunch of holes around the edge. My girls kept asking for more and more hole. Then you simply weave the yarn back and forth through the wholes in whatever pattern that they want. We then glued some ribbon on our pom pom and glued the “spider” into the web. And just like that your house is decorated for Halloween. Right???

Mental Health Awareness Day

Anxiety For as long as I can remember I have always worried about what people think of me. Of doing or saying the wrong thing. Before I got pregnant with my son these feelings were always a small voice inside my head. One easily pushed to the back. Acknowledged but manageable. With my third pregnancy things started to get, let’s just say intense. I was no longer able to ignore the voice in my head telling me I was wrong. Not just a self-doubt now. But a smoldering fire of anger that could blaze into an uncontrollable inferno at the least provocation. I was frustrated and resentful of my family. Unable to be stand being touched by the innocent belly rubbers I actually sprained a stranger’s fingers when they tried to touch me in the grocery store. I brought up my concerns to my doctor and midwife to be told it was common for women carrying boys to get extra hormonal and that it would pass with the birth. HA! With the arrival of my sweet babe I became a hostage of my emotions. Anything someone else did for my boy I would redo. Even my Husband dressed the baby wrong. Washed him wrong. Feed him wrong. Even now that Earp is 21 months I cannot leave him overnight with anyone. And by anyone I mean his Aunty or Gram. My closest family. The ones that were perfectly capable to raise myself and my Husband. I second guess every decision I make for my children and our lives. With our third child we needed to expand our home to accommodate our larger family. Hello nervous breakdown. Trying to decide which colors to paint their rooms, or light fixtures, or flooring would literally reduce me to a crying puddle on the floor. And then I would get angry that I was so “crazy” and out of control. When I again brought these feelings up to my doctor they literally locked me in their office until a psychiatrist could come and evaluate me. I was told I was sleep deprived and to go home and give my child to a sitter and sleep. Oh and take this handful of pills everyday and try not to think about my problems. Since I was nursing I refused to take the meds. But I did listen to their advice that I needed to talk to someone. Unable to afford a therapist I did the next best thing. I joined Facebook groups and read other bloggers with some of the same issues. And do you know what I found out. I am NOT CRAZY! That I am not abnormal. Or selfish. That I am not ALONE. There is a whole internet world out there full of stories like mine. These brave women are telling their stories to help others. And they have helped me. I find the most help from Brittany Gibbons at brittnayherself.com and from fit_teacher_rachel on Instagram. Their honest and usually hilarious posts keep me sane even when I feel crazy. Things I have learned are self-care is not selfish. That a little time to myself makes me a better mother and wife. That working out is not optional. Even if that working out is just stretching and meditation. That I cannot be everything for everyone and that is ok. It is also ok to say no to invitations or extra-curricular activities or anything else that I feel I cannot handle at this time. Because my happiness is just as important as everyone else’s. And believe me my family would rather have a calm happy mommy then go to that fifth 4H group. All of this is ok. And if you are like me and you feel that you need someone’s permission to go for a walk instead of doing that 8th load of laundry then I give you that.

Some of my favorite hikes lately. My first trip walking the Golden Gate. And a shot from a hike of Bear Harbor on the Lost Coast

We Are Back

WOW it has been a long long while since I have had the time to sit down at a keyboard and type something for myself. Let's see if I can catch everyone up. I am now the mother of three, yep three, feral children. Bug is now 7 Sunny is 5 and Earp is almost 2. We have a boy in the family people. And let me just confirm, boys are just as crazy as everyone says. Right this second he has not one, not two, not three, but five giant bruises on his little cherub head. My kids are my life. We home-school so they are LITERALLY my life. We are together 24/7. So far we are all still alive. Thriving even. Sure there are days were I could pull my hair out. Days where we never get out of our pajamas and the baby has lovingly smeared oatmeal in my hair. But then I take my kids out in public and I feel pretty good about our choices so far. I mean its only Second grade and Kindergarten I can't mess it up that much can I? That is the thought that wakes me up at four am. The thought that keeps me looking at craft projects and speech impediments at midnight. Kids are hard. With two I felt in control. I had my shit together. I made lunches with those cookie cutter sandwiches and no one watched anything that wasn't from PBS or the discovery channel. Three kids. Three. Kids. Its war. And I am pretty sure that I am loosing. Any hoo did I mentioned we remodeled our house? Took ourselves from a modest 900 square ft to 2000 square ft. And we are still married. I think that is one of a marriages biggest tests. If you can survive living through a construction zone for months on end while you negotiate/argue about every single minute detail, you are pretty much guaranteed to stay married until one of you dies. Who knew we cared so much about light fixtures and electrical outlet covers. Don't get me started on big things like paint colors or flooring. Who put me in charge of the light fixtures my kids would have for the rest of their childhood anyways???? Things that have not changed, we still live on a rural homestead. We raise our own pork, rabbit, and chicken. We did the whole goat and milking thing for awhile but I don't think the large breed goat is the animal for us. Our homestead is completely off grid. We run solar, some wind, have our own fresh spring. Garden what and when we can. We are a family that believes in the simple life. The slower pace. I hope to take you along on our journey. Let you peak into the craziness that is our day to day. I will try to post weekly from now on. I will also try to give you an honest look into our private life. There will be cussing. And crazy hair. So Sit down and grab a cup of coffee here we go.....

Eye of the Lion

The day seemed ordinary enough. House work. Sick kids. Out of water. But I knew something was not right when my two female dogs, one black lab one bull mastiff, would not follow me up to the water pump. I started down the trail, getting maybe 100 feet, when I notice I'm alone. Both dogs are shaking and whineing at the edge of the yard. Very distressing. Then I hear it. A low, throaty growl. I look up the trunk of the tree I'm standing next to and about 25ft up I see it. Big eyes. Long twitchy tail. A very muscular mountain lion just hanging out next to my house in the middle of a windy fall afternoon. All I could think was " I cannot be eaten, Bug needs more Tylenol in an hour." So while maintaining eye contact I slowly backed all the way into my front door. An hour later it was gone. My dogs never made a peep. Its been over a week and I still don't let my kids outside alone. When I shared this story on Facebook a lot of people wanted me to shoot it. But I just couldn't. Partly because I didn't want to try while alone with my kids. But also they were here first. I chose to live in their territory. And just because you see them doesn't necessarily mean they want to eat you. And if you don't see them doesn't mean they don't see you. Here's some interesting facts I found on WWW.dfg.ca.gov. * there are approximately 10 mountain lions per 100 miles in California. That makes at least 4000 in this state Alone. * With the passage of prop 117 in 1990 mountain lions became a "specially protected species" making them illegal to hunt or harm in any way. * California Dept. Of Fish and Wildlife get 100's of sightings annually but only 3% turn out to be verifiable public safety threats. * Statistically a person is 1000 times more likely to get struck by lightening then attacked by a mountain lion. * Only 16 verified attacked on humans sincere 1890, six of them fatal. Although the last attack was in January 2007 right here in Humboldt County.

Get Out Of Grief Free Card

It is 2:30am. And as I lay here on the couch next to my sweetly sleeping milk parasite I cannot sleep. I keep replaying my day and trying to figure out what is wrong with me. Do you think its possible for a person to become "full" of grief? To experience so much sadness that they are no longer affected by it heavy tread? When I lost my mother to her own hand in 2003 I was crushed. Left with the usual "what ifs" and anger that suicide produces. When I lost my father to medical complications in 2006 I was destroyed. It took time and therapy and the love of my Hubby, sister, and close friends to bring back my light. Now I measure every loss against that pain. And while one day I'm sure to cross that threshold of hell it isn't today. Today I found out one of my fathers brothers was brutally murdered. And all I can muster is, he is in a better place. How hollow is that? All day my phone rang and my facebook popped and everyone wants to know if im ok. So while I lay here unable to produce the proper response I will slow tomorrow down. I will take the time to love and cherish my girls. To build our life with the happiest memories I can. So whenever that pain does come again, to myself or my girls, we have a deep well of love to draw from and soothe our tender hearts until we are all together again. Now I will close my eyes and try to dream of three reunited brothers riding their horses over the last mountain together.

DIY Pallet Picket Fence

I have a new obsession. To have a picket fence. We have little money to put into this endeavor so I set my Pinterest sights on some DIY versions. Since we live in the middle of Emerald Triangle, a refurbished pallet fence seemed like my best option. The small community we live in has four feed and garden stores, so I loaded up my Midgets and away we went to scavenge there free pallet piles. I love my truck. It took a lot of convincing to even get some slimy over paid used car dealer to sell me a 4X4 but boy oh boy does Baby get some use. Now that I have ferreted away almost 25 pallets I can start to work on the fun part. I measured out the small area by our garden and play area that we use the most and I have my work cut out for me. 200ft of it. At 4 foot long pallet picket slates goes that's a grand total of at least 50 of these dirty heavy suckers that I am going to have to deal with. But oh boy is it going to be worth it. I found this great tutorial on youtube that breaks down the process beautifully. So far I have cut and disassembled 8 picket slates so far. In two days. All by myself. With TWO KIDS UNDER TWO. Its the chicken poop you see. Since we have wonderful free range chickens for meat and eggs we have a large amount of chicken poop. Everywhere. Its DISGUSTING . One day soon I foresee an area free of chicken manure and flies, where my children can crawl on the ground or on the picnic table and not be covered in feces. On that note I will leave you folks for this week. with one last parting shot of cuteness....

Bath Tub Painting

This is super easy and just about the only way I can get Bug to bathe these days. I use an old cupcake tin. Fill each cup with any foaming shaving cream, I use cheapo men's generic stuff. Then add just a couple drops of food coloring of your choice to each cup. Seriously any more then three or four drops will dye your munchkin, which can be fun just not...the day before family portraits or something. Stir your foam up and let the kids paint away. Makes everything smell nice too. Easy clean up just spray with shower head or wipe with wet cloth. Now for some super fun and a little( OK a LOT) dirty Mommy stuff. I read a great, funny, honest blog http://www.brittanyherself.com and recently Brittany has put on these awesome Last Call shows. A group of women get together and hang out and talk smack for bout an hour each week. You can watch live, or like me and all you have for internet is a smart phone and a prayer, you can watch on YouTube. Said smart phone will not let me link in so unfortunately YOU will have to search for Brittany gibbons last call yourself. Gasp! I know you have to actually type and stuff, sorry. One day after I buy myself a boob lift and my Hubby a nut cut I might get to save for an actual computer. Until then I will continue to text out my post to share infinite wisdom, like Last Call, with you. My readers. I actually have readers y'all.* blushing*

Bean Play

Bug and I had so much fun doing this activity. I really needed to distract her so I could make dinner and this was perfect. Kept her close enough I could play to but busy enough to let me get dinner on the table. We happen to buy our beans from Costco, bags and bags of them. My Hubby has the weird idea that the world might end and we have to be ready he says. I figure if 60 lbs of beans are going to take up space in my pantry I might as well have some fun with them. You wash them before you use them anyway right? And afterward Bug even "helped" me clean up. I cannot believe how big and coordinated she has gotten. Cherish every moment they go by so so fast. These are the memories I want to lock inside my soul to be pulled out and examined when I'm old and gray(grayer).

Nature Stamping

I have been trying to find ways to incorporate nature play with our art time. So today Bug and I collected our paint supplies and then went in the yard for nature stamps. We found a rose, a chicken feather, pine cones, madrone leaves and a rock. Bug looked for surprised when i started painting our objects but soon got into it. This is a sample of my work. I used the rose, feather and pine cone.

Co-Napping

As a new mother to two under two, if I could give one piece of advice it would be the gift of co-napping. Bug still goes down for an afternoon nap that lasts anywhere from 1 to 3 hours. I already had her on a flexible nap schedule because little girl gets some major diva attitude if she doesn't nap. When Sunny came along it only made sense for them to go down together to give me a little sanity time. In the beginning I used this time to catch a little shut eye myself. Now that Sunny is almost 3 months old I use this time for ME time. I used to clean the house but now I find ways to do that boring brainless task with the girls. Nap time is now fitness time. Or knitting time. Or just sitting down in complete silence without some small lovely parasitic cherub sucking my life force outta my boobs. And my house might be a little messy, my mail my stay unsorted, my laundry unfolded, but it gives me the little bit if alone time that resets my Mary Poppins Mommy Clock. I'm able to have a little more patience, a little more YES. And that is so important to me. I have to tell Bug "No" four hundred bazillion times a day any time I can say yes I will. Yes you can play in the mud. Yes you can climb that tree.Yes you can help chop vegetables for dinner. So do NOT fell guilty for taking a little Mommy Time Out. And leave a comment, what do you say yes to??

DIY Toddler Bird Feeder

I stumbled upon this really fun and easy bird feeder picture on pinterest. Unfortunately there were no directions to go along with the picture but it seemed simple enough Bug and I just ran with it. For our version your will need: Either empty paper towel rolls or toilet paper rolls, peanut butter, loose bird seed of your choice.(I went with all organic kind because Bug did eat some), cookie sheet, butter knife So very simple, pour the bird seed out on the cookie sheet. Generously coat the outside of your roll of choice with a thick layer of peanut butter. Let your Little have fun rolling it back and forth in the bird seed. Shove over end of tree branch and wait. This activity kept Bug engrossed for at least an hour. And it was pretty inexpensive too.

Facing your Parental Fears

Everyone is always telling me I worry about my Girls to much. Especially my Hubby. And for the most part they are right. While I would love nothing more then to cram my bumbling, distractable 2 year old into a nice padded soundproof sphere its just not practical. My house is far to small. So instead, about 100 times a day I close my eyes, and all the air is sucked from my body while I pray to any form of higher power willing to help, that Bug will not fall from whatever bazillion precarious perches she mischievously finds herself upon. How else will she ever learn balance, and a rational fear of heights if I don't let her do a little solo exploring. And you would think it would be the old oak tree out front, or the tippity top of the slide at the park, or off the back of the couch which she uses as a balance beam that would do her in. Or her own two feet. A week after we brought Sunny home. While out for the only walk per day my cesarean recovery allowed. While standing right next to me, Bug tripped. Falling head first off the last porch step. Onto hard rocky ground. How do you figure out if something is seriously wrong with a hysterical midget that cannot freaking talk? She was such a trooper. Cried for about five minutes and then was very calm unless someone touched her. But no matter what we did, itsy bitsy spider, patty cake, high fives, food bribes she wouldnt use her right arm. So off to the ER we went. With a newborn. And me still on pain meds. Oh yeah and a two hour drive one way. Poor kid was such a trooper. Until the nurses tried to take her temperature and then the blood curdling, screaming ridged body, eye rolling fear began. Two sets of XRays later and its a broken clavical. Only thing to do is brace her arm for as long as she would let us and give her some pain meds of her own.Longest eight hours of my life. .

Oh where has the time has gone?

Wow! I am sorry you guys! When I decided to take a little time off from chronicling my life and just LIVE it I never intended for it to be for over a year. So so much has happened! My family has grown by another beautiful daughter. Sunny is now 7 weeks old today. Bug is almost 27 months. She has grown into one intelligent, vivacious, independent girl. So far her sister couldn't be more different. We are still trying to adjust, learning new routines, and especially learning how to slow down and just enjoy our lives. Keeping things simple while my girls are still relatively easy to please and still want to play with me. I hope to do a lot more posting on here in the future. I was rereading all my old posts during our 4am feeding last night and realized this blog is a great way to keep a record of my girls childhood. Before I wrote for me, to vent and just put my thoughts somewhere else besides my head. And I will still do that but with the added intention of one day showing this to them. Letting them see exactly what it took for me to provide them with our life. And maybe inspire them to live as presently as possible. I hope to fill these "pages" withe a detailed account of all our arts and crafting experiences. Stories of our day to day activities and life lessons. But right now Sunny is hungry and Bug wants to play in the garden.

Not a Good Week!

Wow. Ok. So Bug and I went to Fairy Godmother house for a night and when I made a fire I noticed her cast iron kettle on the top. Not thinking the fire had been going awhile and the kettle was obviously hot I thought I should fill it with water. Well when the cold water made horrible contact with the hot medal, burning steam shot up and seared my forearm. Ouch! Couple of days later my Hubby was changing his tire and the jack slipped and struck him in the nose. Shoving the end of his nose bone through his skin. Yikes!. You would think we are clumsy. Or cusrsed. Nope just busy and happy and moving on. Not even that can keep us down. Can't wait to see where tomorrow takes us.

Hello Again

Sorry folks. Guess I got caught up in the holidays and forgot I had a blog to keep up. We have had a wonderful holiday season in our neck of the woods. But thats not what i want to talk about today. Health. More importantly my health. I have always been bigger. Bigger then friends and family. And since I've had my daughter bigger then some livestock. I avoid mirrors. I hide in maternity clothes I no longer have an excuse to wear. But having a daughter is making me think. Not only do I want her to see me at my best. Kids can be unintentionally cruel. I remember a friend in 2nd grade getting teased because her mother was overweight. Kids tease eachother for everything and I will be damned if I give them more ammunition against my perfect little angel. Plus reaching a healthy weight might mean a couple more years with my loved ones. I want to be the mother chasing her kids at the park, playing tag, helping her train for volleyball. Not the fat mother eating hotdogs on the bleachers. So for the last six weeks I have been trying to eat healthier. And working out. Almost everyday I have been doing some sort of exercise while Bug sleeps. It's been hard. I've made every excuse not to but still I am doing it. And its working! As of this week I have lost a little over 10% of my body weight. I've lowered my bmi by four points. I have lost three dress sizes. And I feel amazing. My back and hips which used to ache everyday all day hardly hurt at all. And I have all this energy. Plus my attitude about the whole daily torture is improving. My workouts are becoming more intense. I'm challenging myself in ways I never imagined i would. I'm even planning to walk a 10k with my Bug on my back in may. This isn't easy. It's a daily struggle but looking at my daughter gives me strength. What I started on her behalf I continue now for me. I don't wanna be a fat Momma. At least this is what I repeat to myself while I think I might die doing my daily p90x.

The Man of the House

I love my Hubby. He is a great Husband and an even better Father. But he does work full time. Like I have mentioned in the past, breastfeeding is very important to me. So I stay home and take care of Bug while my Dearest slaves away to keep us in the very moderate lifestyle that we have. But every once in awhile he gets a day off. Today just happens to be one of those days. Usually I would try to give him as much love and space as possible. Make sure he gets sometime with Bug just the two of them but generally letting him do whatever he wants. But Christmas is right around the corner. And I have procrastinated so bad this year. I use the whole I have an baby card as much as I can but it is down to crunch time. I have soooo much to do! Which means that while I am at my sisters house, pretending to print out Holiday cards that is already to late to send, and watching youtube videos on how to properly form a ribbon bow, Bug and Hubby are at home. Alone. Going on five hours now. And I actually thought I would feel a tiny, itsy, bit guilty. I don't. I am having a blast. I am even drinking a beer. oh my.

Happy Holidays

Happy holidays from my family to yours....

Tis The Season

I love this time of year! First Halloween, then Thanksgiving, then my wedding anniversary(Christmas eve), then Christmas, and last but not least New Years. And now that I have a daughter my holiday spirit is in hyperdrive. We have a cute little table top tree. All of Bugs presents are here and ready. Her stocking is stuffed. Next week we are set to go meet our local Santa and take a ride in a horse and carriage. I can't wait!
On the development front Bug is actually walking now. On her own. Little Miss don't touch me I got this! She spends half her time teetering from one place to the other and the rest of the time screaming from falling over and hitting something. I'm seriously considering a helmet. She will not let us help her. And I can only pad so many corners.
Also after our most awful Doctors experience we went to the health department and started Bug on an immunization schedule I feel comfortable with. My sister came with me for support because Hubby had to work. And after stating my request for only two shots and my reason why and not backing down the visit went great. Bug stopped crying the second the nurse let her go and never showed a hint of side effect. I even let her sleep with us all night to make sure. Finally something went medically right for us.
Now that I have gone on and on I will be a complete ass and ask a favor of my readers. If you enjoy my blog and come back to read on a regular basis please take the time to click the link and become a follower. It would help me to know who my readers are, I would get a better idea of what you want to know about my life and make me feel less like an aimless rambler. Thank you all so much. Happy Holidays!

Momma Bear

Wow. Some people shouldn't be allowed to work with kids. Ever. Bug had her first check up yesterday. Ever. She's 41 weeks. Our small town clinic has a poor track record. If its anything remotely serious I drive an hour north to a better facility, but just general stuff I go there. I trained to take care of my fathers medical needs, I research everything that has to do with my daughters as well. So I thought they could handle taking her measurements and checking her vision and hearing. I didn't know they would also take a heel pricked for anemia check. I have a bleeding problem, my dad had a bleeding problem. I hate to see Bug in pain, but it needed to be done.
Well we found out she is in the 25% for weight and height. She has excellent sight and hearing. She is way advanced in all her functioning and learning. But they thought she was anemic. They sent us to the lab for more blood work. We were extremely hesitant. But it needed to be done. Walking up to the lab I could hear the two technicians scrambling. They were having a hard time finding infant supplies. One woman looked like a hard smoking, leather skined, old bull dog. The man I'm sorry to say looked more then slightly mentally slow. I talked them into letting me hold her instead of strapping her to a table. Then the torture began. Bug didn't seem to mind the second heel stick of the hour. But these idiots were trying to fill an entire vial with a heel stick. My poor baby is a poor bleeder, and a screamer. This stupid bulldog grabs Bugs calf and foot and starts squeezing so hard her hands are white and shaking from the effort. They fill almost a quarter of the vial when the guy drops it. Bugs blood spills across their white tile floor. They start over.
Bug is bright purple, big crocodile tears streaming down her cheeks, screaming for help. I am singing and stroking and shaking. my jaw is clenched to tight I think my teeth will shatter. Hubby is stroking my back watching helplessly.Bulldog tries slapping the bleeding foot, shaking it, rubing it with cottonballs nothing works. Then she says screaming kids bleed better please stop trying to comfort your child! Im done I tell her. We are not doing this.
"Let's try this" she says and wraps a turnicate around Bugs little arm. Dumb and dumber argue over whether or not they can feel a vein. Bulldog says she thinks she can but the guy doesn't think so. " we take her down to ER and strap her to their table, I think I can get an I.V. port in that will give us all the blood we need."
Bug is twisting, screaming, crying, kicking, flailing. Purple. I look at my Hubby. " I am not going to let you go on a fishing expedition for this vein. So unless your 100% sure we are not doing this!" " I don't understand, I...think... I can hit it" she says back to me. The guy reacts appropriately. Put both hands up and backed away from us until he was against a wall, " if that's how you feel." Bulldog continues to try to bully us into this.
I ask to speak to our Dr and give Bug to Hubby. I calmly walk back to the nurse station, where I know everyone, when my saint of a Dr comes round the corner I lose it. I burst into tears, incoherently tell her whats happening. She's appalled. Go bring that child back here its not that important. I go collect my family and the half a vial of my daughters precious blood. My Dr tests the blood they have managed to collect and low and behold her blood levels are PERFECTLY NORMAL!OMFG! Bulldog tries to explain her machine requires more blood then my Drs machine. I reply " No wonder kids hate Dr offices."
We left as fast as we could. As soon as Bug was away from the horrible woman she calmed right down. I on the other hand cried the whole way home. I am so mad at myself for letting the situation go that far. If only I had asked for my Dr earlier. Why do we as a people feel the need to hand over total control to doctors. Even if it goes against ever instinct and knowledge we have. Put a lab coat on a bulldog and they are still just a bulldog.

Parent Guilt

I'm so tired. Complete Mombie. I'm not really sure exactly what happened or when it happened but Bugs sleep schedule went down the drain. Just when I was getting all look at my baby, sleeping almost all night long and in her crib too. I must be the perfect mother. Life steps in and kicks me in my giant momma balls and brings me back to reality. I think I got 3 hours of sleep last night. And that's a good night. I think I'm keeping Foldgers Coffee in business.
No one ever tells you the really real story of how your life is going to be like with a baby. Or maybe I didn't hear them over the hormonal need to reproduce. Cosleeping sounds all warm and fuzzy. You get to nurse and sleep. You get unlimited bonding with your baby. But in reality its like sleeping with an alligator that wants your boobs for its last meal. I thought I had it bad when she would latch on and sleep all night long, as long as I stayed in the same position. But I was wrong. Now she latches on, falls asleep like a little angel, and then flails all. Night. Long. I don't think she stops moving ever. I get slapped, kicked, headbutted, puked on, you name she does it. After the third heel kick to the nose I lost it. And I really try not to do that with her. At this age I think anger is not something she should feel directed at her from her parents.
See there I go getting all self righteous again. So I threw off the blankets, threw a pillow across the room. Might have screamed "this is so not fucking fair. Mommys need sleep to be good fucking mommys. I'M DONE!" And then I stormed to the couch, laid down, and listened to my daughter howl her rage. until my heart broke.

Funny Sh!t

Oh wow. I had to wait until Hubby got in the shower and I stopped laughing until I cry. Ok. So its the day before Thanksgiving and I am trying to bake my famous pumpkin and pecan pies. Not being a natural cook it takes all my focus and energy. Hubby is sweetly trying to entertain a very grumpy Bug. Add on top of that we are trying to get ready for the first ever birthday party we have ever gone to, and its storming outside. We have had to pump water, take care of our animals. Normal country living stuff.
So I am generally running around like a ferret on crystal meth. And a tad cranky myself. I have my back turned to the livingroom baking away when I hear Hubby yell "what did you just throw at me? OHMYGODSOFREAKINGROSS! TAKE HER TAKE HER! HELP ME!"
I forgot to tell Hubby that when I just changed Bugs diaper she was getting a little rash so I thought I would be an awesome parent and let her run around bucknaked until we had to dress he in her totally cute party outfit. In my hurry I just thought he would notice and pay a little extra attention. Nope. He went to the DVD shelf to pick himself a movie. And while his back was tuned Bug thought it would be a good idea to poop. And then EAT it. And then share some with her Daddy.
Do you know how hard it is to bath a baby while laughing until you pee alittle.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Leaps and Bounds

How can so much happen in such a short time. I don't even know where to begin. Guess I will get the bad stuff out of the way first. Bug stuck her hand to our fireplace. Hubby was watching her so I could do frivolous things like brush my hair and teeth when I heard the scream. After all was said and done she has 2nd degree burns on her ring and middle fingers and the top palm of her hand. After a couple hours of hysterical crying and a nap it never bothered her again. A week later it is almost completely healed with no complications. I have never been more angry, sad, and helpless in my life. I couldn't believe Hubby let this happen. This is the first major hurt and now I want to place her in a bubble. On the upside she stays far away from any fireplace now. So I guess lesson learned for both of us. Accidents happened. We deal with it and move on trying not to blame anyone.
Now the good stuff. Bug also took her first steps yesterday! Three whole unassisted glorious steps. And promptly fell on her backside. The look on her face was priceless. And my whole "please don't cry in my presence" self cried and cried and cried some more.
Her personality is really starting to lighten up to thank god! Hubby and I are such goofballs I was a little worried when she didn't crack a smile until 6 months and just recently started laughing. And only for Hubby and I. But now she is playful, giggly, and even loving. My please don't touch me child has decided mommy does the funniest happy dance if given unsolicited kisses. Hey I gotta get kisses anyway I can. I read a phrase from becomingsarah.com once. She tells her adorable daughter she is kiss powered. And I firmly believe I am to. I live for these little spontaneous open mouthed, drool covered kisses. They truly keep me going. Especially when I have to change nasty solid food diapers. Eeewwww.

Little House on the Hilltop

It's all coming together. I love our little house. I always have. But it was just that little. Maybe even tiny. Hubby built it with his own two hands and we always planned to add on later. The day I found out I was preggo with Bug he started plans. Realistic plans. Doubling our home from a mere 500sq ft to 1000. When I went into labor he had accomplished the shell and Windows. Oh MY WINDOWS! Prisoners have bigger Windows then I in the original house. But I hunted for at least three hours at a window boneyard and found not only matching huge Windows but a sliding glass door as well. So proud! After Bug came he quickly finished all electrical, plumbing, painting and we moved in floors be damned. In the last couple of weeks my wonderful Hubby built a river rock hearth built with rocks we collected trying to push me into labor, sea shells from our first date, and then we cemented bugs foot into the perfect spot. My father in law welded us a gorgeous cast iron fireplace. And then we picked out redwood flooring. He has worked so hard. And our dream is almost complete. Our house grows as our family does. We have provided a stable loving home for our daughter all the while maintain our loving relationship. I dont know how I got so lucky. Maybe soon we will have to plan another addition for a new little Bug, here's to keeping our fingers crossed.

Catching Up

Whew! I was starting to worry I would never find the time and energy to write again. But here I am. So much has happened this month I don't really know where to start. Bug now has three teeth. All bottom front ones. She got them all at the same time. She had every symptom I have ever read that babies get. I'm talking no sleep, cranky, fever of 102, diarrhea, her first ever diaper rash. Basically mommy hell. But I pushed through it, trusted my instincts, ignored all the oh my god your babys sick go to the ER now. And we came through. Bug is also full on crawling. Cruising along anything she can get her hands on. And CLIMBING! Wtf. Only a stubborn child of my loins would try to climb things before she can walk. This means I have spent most waking hours covering light sockets, moving things up a shelf or three, and basically rescuing my girl from whatever perch she gets herself onto. She is also saying a clear mummum now. So freakin cute. Hubby is a little, ok a lot, jealous. His main goal in life is teaching her about dada now. I also tried going back to work and no matter how much water I drank or how often I pumped my milk started drying up. In like 3 days I could only pump 2 ounces total. So I headed to my local health store bought some fenugreek and mothers love more milk plus. I have to take 18 pills a day, my body, urine, and baby smell like maple syrup now (yum in a weird way) but I have more milk then i did before I went to work. Talked it over with Hubby and we aren't ready to wean yet and I don't want to take any chances so I'm back home now for the foreseeable future. But he also has some down time right now so we are getting a lot done on our home. Yippy! Today he put together over half of our new rock fireplace hearth. Beautiful. The rocks were collected from family land while I was over due with Bug. We were hoping the manual labor would push me over the edge. Nope. I also scattered in some of the sea shells he and i collected on our first date. Plus we left a little spot blank and cemented Bugs foot forever onto our mantle. So freakin cute. I am getting sleepy and Bug will wake soon so I will end here for now. I will try to get back here more often.

To Work or Not to Work That is The Question

Before my Bug came along I had my own house cleaning business. We live in a small close nit community and I did well. I made my own hours, was my own boss, and I had a full clientele of people I felt were in genuine need of my service. Not just lazy sobs. I put all that on hold when I was pregnant and after much debate with Hubby we decided we would rather he work full time in construction and carpentry and have me home with Bug. Being home all the time was such a change.I have had at least a part time job my whole life since I was 14. If not a full and part time while going to school. After a while at home I thought I would go insane but with summer came vegetable gardening, hiking, swimming, picnics, days at the beach. You get the idea. Plus I was able to breastfeed on demand. Cloth diaper. Wear my baby. Attachment parenting in my own crazy way. It's worked out very well for us. But this week it started to rain. Ugh. And in passing conversation I mentioned to Hubby that a couple of my clients have called and wanted me to come back. Enough clients to provide a full half week of work. And I have to admit I'm tempted. I could pay all my own bills again. Supporting myself has always been of the utmost importance to me because let's face it my parents never could support themselves. I take pride that all my bills are paid in full and on time if not early. And to be able to do this myself is the cherry on my sunday. Hubby pointed out we do have his parents who are willing to take Bug on the days i would work. But its not the same. I look at her and try to picture what our days would be like and I know they love her but they don't love her like me. Honestly Hubby and in-laws just dont get my parenting. I constantly hear how I'm spoiling her. I'm to quick to feed for comfert. I don't allow her to just cry it out. Just wait you will cave eventually they say. Bug is 33 weeks tomorrow. There is no caving. My question is how do I let go? I have to return to work sooner or later. Do I get her used to people not jumping the second she needs something? Or do I trim my budget and pride, let Hubby cover our expenses and raise my daughter the way I see fit?

The Mamma Cave

Hubby built our very modest home with his own two hands. Just himself no help. Well I painted . And because of budget we have kept thing very simple and low key. Except for the bathtub/shower. Imagine if you will a walk in all black steamy haven. When showering under our dual temp double head shower you are standing in our six foot whirlpool bath tub. Eight pulsating jets of bliss. We have a couple friends that have whirlpool baths or outdoor hot tubs. They never use them. We swore if we were going to put that much money into something we would use it. I took that promise to heart.
The majority of my days I will take a half hour or longer mini vacation. Hubby will watch Bug without complaint and I will take a good book and better microbrew and turn both shower heads as hot as I can stand sit in the tub and let the hot water melt away everything. Drink my beer and yes read a book as the shower steams up more and more.I will be beat red before Hubby reminds me that we have a limited amount of water on hand and I will have to hike a quarter mile straight up hill to pump more in the morning so by evening I can start the whole process over again. it is my guilt escape. I try to explain to Hubby that its a craving from childhood. My parent were broke my whole life. Well honestly they always found enough money for cigerettes, beer, and meth. Just not luxeries like hot water. or a phone. Or food. I think i can count the years they had hot water on one hand. For my whole life. In highschool I spent hours boiling water to fill the tub a couple inches. So a tub like ours. An on-demand hotwater heater and our own spring and water pump. I am in heaven! i would write more but i think I hear my mamma cave calling.

Sit down, Hold on, and Shut up!

I don't think I drive that fast. But I do come from a long line of race car, motorcycle racer, dare devil drivers. It must just be in my blood. Awhile ago when I was about four or five months preggo with Bug a group of my girlfriends and I were hanging out and it was decided we should all drive the 15 or so miles down to the river to cool off. Not many of my friends had rode with me at this point and the ones who had just smiled assured them I was Pregnant and a good driver and kind of herded the unsuspecting newbies into my crew cab pickup. It was myself and four girls with a dog in the truckbed. Two of the girls are from out of the area. I didn't think that to them our narrow, curvy, steep, somewhat beaten roads are a little intimidating all on their own. I've lived here my whole life. I drive these roads all the time. I know what my truck can and cannot do.( I've pushed the poor thing pretty hard) and I was pregnant. I wasn't going to risk my babys life so to me I was actually going slower then normal. I don't think the girls saw it that way. My manic laughter and sick twisted sense of humor probably wasnt to reassuring either.two miles in we hit the paved road. I rolled down all the Windows and turned up Bob Marley. Completely in my element and confident. Having a great time actually. I start to notice no one is talking or singing along to the music all of them are clutching their seatbelts with white nuckled hands. One is actually starting to silently cry. My front passanger has one foot on the dashboard, both hands on the roof and starts to scream we surrender. We surrender. I had to slow down then. I was laughing so hard I was crying. When we reached our destination everyone tumbles out as fast as they can. Austin looks at me shakes her head and says " dude! I thought I would be safe with the pregnant one!" I don't know why they all found other rides back to the party.

Sprinkler Alarm

Bug has not been sleeping well. She starts off in her crib for 3 or 4 hours but round 1am ever night she wakes up and screams until we go collect yet for her first night time feeding. I usually fall alseep during this and wake round 4 am to put her back in her crib for another 3 hours. But this last week she hasn't slept between being put in our bed and being indignantly ejected from our bed. She has decided beating me is more fun then sleep. So she slaps, pinches, kicks, bites, flails, and gnaws on me instead. I sleep through most of this.
Until last night. Growing up with hillbilly parents I am not unaccustomed to sleeping out in the open night air. In my sleepy stupor last night I thought I was outside and it was raining. When I pulled myself awake I realized I was in bed. On my back. With my breast shooting milk straight up and back down in my face. Wtf! So not fair.

Being a Mom is Hard Work!

I have almost thrown my back out this week. I don't think I have ever been this sore in my whole life. And I have a tyrant to take care of. But what a cute tyrant she is.
Bug has almost learned to crawl. She will be 7 months next week. I cannot believe how big and strong she is getting. And now that she is slow yet mobile I realized something. Well 2 things actually. 1) our house is currently and will remain, a construction zone. 2) there is no way to baby proof a construction zone. I never knew something so small could be so evil. Boundary pusher. She gets close to something she knows she isn't supposed to have like an extension cord and will look over to see if I am watching. Then slowly put her hand out while gageing my reaction. If I say no don't touch, owie, bad, or yucky she starts to smile really big and wait for me to look away before repeating it all over again. So friggin hard not to laugh.
We have been enjoying this last week together so much. Couple of days just her and I playing in the sunshine. Then family time for a few days. I even stole my 11 year old niece for an overnight help out session. She held bug and followed me around while I tackled projects that have been put off for to long, like the laundry and washing Windows. All in all a pretty great week.

My Bug

I haven't had a lot of? time to write lately. Frankly its been to hot to be inside and Bug and I have taken advantage of this shady spot down by our vegetable garden. Laying there for hours on end. Watching the butterflies flutter by and the squirls chase each other. As I also usually post from my phone this is the first post from a computer I thought I would give people a little glimps at a little tyrant that holds my heart in the palm of her hand.

I hope everyone has been enjoying their summer as much as we have!

Birth of a Bug

I thought I was ready. I spent ten and a half months reading every pregnancy and birth book I could get my hands on. While I worked I listened to hour upon hour of birthing podcast. I made my plan. I should have known better.
We live two hours from my backup hospital. I was never nervous, I honestly didn't think I would need it. Women have been doing this since the beginning of the beginning. And I hate hospitals. My dad spent half his life in one. Not for me, and I was right about that.
I had two wonderful midwives and my tiny home was all set. The only problems we could see were 1) bug had her hands on top of her stubborn little head and 2) my midwives were leaving for Africa two weeks after my due date. I am always early to everything so my daughter will not be late I told myself and my team. Ha.
My due date comes and go. Every little twinge I think this is it, here we go. And nothing. Finally ten days late on Wednesday February 9 I go to my first ever acupuncture appointment praying for help. My midwives are packing their bags to fly out of the freakin country in six days not to mention my birthday is in five. I have horrible birthdays. That should have been a clue.
After my apt. I go for a fast waddle. I make 3 miles in 50 minutes with a contraction here and there. I have been 75 % effaced and 1cm dilated for a month. I have eaten pineapples I even rocked on my nieces trampoline, hell I took captor oil three times and tried every herbal concoction made to make women go into labor. Nothing.
I go to bed and wake up Thursday February 10th at 9 am to a soaked bed. Yippy! We call the midwives they ask all kinds of questions. No I am not contracting. Yes I feel fine. No I would like some time alone. Hubby and I lay in bed making out and trying nipple stimuli which produces a couple weak contractions but overall not much is happening. Friday February 11th my midwives come up mostly to calm my family down. I will not let anyone see me. I hate being in pain, I don't handle it well. Frankly I get real real mean. So I kept everyone away until then. Midwives show up give me the human hand puppet routine and still nothing. Obviously something is emotionally wrong and my body is stalling they tell me. So I am forced to talk about every problem I have ever had. Ever. And boy howdy my life is not all sunshine and roses. But I think I have handled it pretty darn well thank you very much. Still nothing. I beg for one more night at home before they make me go to the birthing center. My water has been broken for 36 hrs now. But as long as bugs heart rate is good and my temp stays normal there is no sign of infection I can sleep one more night in my bed.
Saturday February 12th the drive to the birthing center flys by. The sun is shining, the trees and flowers are blooming I forget we are driving to the most hated of places. Until we get there. Because we waited so long and I am not progressing at all I am forced onto pitocin through an I.v. I am then forced to be strapped to not one but two tight ass monitors on my now contracting belly. Nurses and doctors and interns come and go every ten minutes. They want blood and urine samples. I get two or three new puppet masters. My whoha has never been so active.(thank god) the contractions are getting stronger and stronger but they are not doing anything. My bug is happy right where she is. I start to get really fuzzy at this point. It's all down hill from here anyway.
They now insert a monitor inside me to measure the strength of contractions. I ask if there is another machine they would like to hook me up to why not. I beg to be taken off the monitors. I beg to take a bath. We find out my tub leaks. The whole reason I picked the room. My contractions are now 2 minutes long and 2 minutes apart. I'm not sure of the time after midnight I know that much. There is now a woman in the room next to me and we start contracting and moaning these animalistic deep moans together. Somehow knowing she is there helps. But I am loosing it. I won't let the lights on. I try walking, squating, rolling on the birth ball. Nothing is helping. I hear my dead fathers voice telling me to cowgirl up and hang in there. That helps for a couple of minutes that feels like days. Then I give up. I go silent and limp. My husband is holding my hand crying. Praying I will be ok. Asking why I'm quiet. I don't have it in me I need a rest. I force myself to count how many deep breaths to get through a contraction. Five. I can do five. I focus on that for half an hour. Then its to much. Did I mention I am puking the whole time. I allergic to a lot of meds we find out. Like clock work every ten minutes or so I thrown up for hours. Until there is nothing in me to throw up and I just weakly dry heave while my huge belly contracts.
Where was I, so I break down. At this point only hubby and 1 midwife is in my room and I beg for something anything to get alittle help. I can't do it this way any longer. I am sorry I am a weaker person then I thought please help. They have been waiting for this. Just try. Little longer they tell me. I no longer see them as people who love me, who are there to help. They, like my body, and the doctors, and nurses are against me. I AM ALONE. Finally 30 minutes later somewhere around 4 am Sunday February 13th I get a shot of morphine. It takes the edge off for 20 minutes tops. I beg again and again they bring more and more. At 9 am I am reevaluated still 2cm and my temp is up bugs heart rate is slightly up. I get an ultra sound that is inconclusive. My baby could be 7 lbs or 10. The cord could be hung up or not. I ask for an epidural and to keep trying. They bring in a surgeon to try to talk me into a csection. I beg for more time. I'm not ready for that yet. They give me an epidural and at first I am in bliss. Until I realize 1) I'm allergic to this too 2) I am paralyzed from my chest down. My father was a parapalegic. For half my life I helped him move, bath, live. And now I was too. I freak out. But exhaustion takes over and I doze. When they wake me up at noon every family and friend I have is in the waiting room. Watching me like a broken clock. I sleep some more. Round 1 pm my epidural wears off. This isn't supposed to happen. They give me more. But I can still feel the contractions. 6pm I am checked again and only 4 cm. They have no choice. I am going to surgery. I am to tired to cry much but I am terrified. The one nurse I don't get along with is the only one that will be with my baby. I am terrified. I ask about letting her cord pulse and keeping the placenta. They don't answer. Next thing I know they are straping me down to the operating table and I am alone. I feel them swabing my stomach and tell them so. I should be numb they say. I'm not. They give me more meds. I'm starting to shake uncontrollably. The whole table is moving from my shaking. They put up the cloth across my chest, I am extremely closterphobic. The cloth drapes down and starts to cover my face and I freak out. I start to vomit. Ever tried to vomit while your body is numb and your strapped down flat. I don't recommend it.
Finally they let my hubby in and I start to beg for death. I cannot do this. I can feel me dying. Lover that he is he slaps me across the face and I calm down a tiny bit. Actually not at all I just shut up. Then I hear her screams. Hubby says it takes four people to rip my daughter from my body. She holds her head up and wails her unhappiness to the world. Go with her I say. And hubby does. That is the last thing I remember. I black out. I go into cardiac arrest. I start to bleed out. Three hours later I come to. I am lying in a recovery room with a strange nurse closely monitoring my vitals. I ask about the baby. She is fine her grandmother is holding her. You can see her in an hour. WHAT THE FUCK! I had made hubby promise he would be the only person to hold her until I could. An hour I will kill someone hurry up! They roll me in the room in less then thirty minutes. Hubby clears out the inlaws when he sees my looks of death. Give me MY BABY NOW! They lay her on my bear chest. I look at her and smell her and something inside me comes alive. she is worth every minute. I am whole.

Homemade Hair Mask

I have waist length thick hair so I use
2 avocados
2 egg yolks
2 tblsp extra virgin Olive oil
2 tblsp organic local honey

Blend avocado with fork until smooth. Add rest of ingredients. Apply to hair. Paying special attention to the ends. Wrap in celiphane or shower cap. Wrap hot towel around head. Leave in for 30 minutes. Wash and condition ad usual.

I'm not a doctor a specialist this only works for me. I'm giving this information out as advice only.

Baby Vs Sand

We took Bug to the ocean for the second time. The first she slept. But this time she was awake and aware of everything. It has been close to 100 degrees here and with the teething I admit defeat. So hubby took a day off work and we went to the ocean. Bug loved it!. It was overcast, and cold. She loved wAtching me feed the seagulls my french fries, they got so close to her. And all she wanted to do was eat the sand when we went down to the beach. Baby, teething and sand do not mix. But I got some great pics of her and her daddy that I will never forget.

Summer Fun

I just completed my first fresh blackberry cobbler. After hubby got home from work I was at my wits end with my fussy Bug. So I loaded up the truck with board planks. A step ladder. Big bowl. Long sleeve shirt. And most importantly beer. Went the 6 miles down our dirt road to where the pavement begins and there is a huge ripe patch of blackberries. I was only gone for an hour and a half but I collected enough sweet berries to make two cobblers and a pie. Plus a little extra so Bug could experience this little piece of heaven for the first time. She's not to sure about all the seeds but she loves the juice. Her whole toothless mouth was black and cute. It's amazing how just that little bit of time by myself was enough to make me miss my family and reset my inner clock. I need to make a habit of taking a little time for myself now and again if only for the fact it makes me a happier mommy to my Bug. And the look of love and adoration on her face when I walk back in the door melts my heart.

Country Living

We wake up, have a little cuddle and giggle, then I strap her into a bounce chair while she watches classical baby. It gives me time to make coffee, feed the dogs and cats, and wash a few dishes. Then we settle down on Tue couch for her breakfast and I read the news. We read a book, then she goes down for her nap. I pick up the living room and eat scrambled eggs. She wakes up and we go down to the garden to water and see what's blooming maybe pull a few weeds and let her play with the windchime. We feed and play with the chickens. Spray each other with the hose then come inside out of the hot sun. Bug has some tummy time while I fold clothes and sing her songs. I break out the bubbles and she watches them float around her in awe. Down for another nap while I try to figure something out for dinner. I'm hate cooking. It's been so hot its bbq again. Daddy gets home and I get to take a long shower before I give her a bath and she has some time with daddy . They rock and sing in the glider. He reads her curious George. Then its bedtime for her while hubby and I talk about our day. Maybe play some cards and then we turn in for the night. We don't accomplish much but I have never been happier.

Worst Day Ever

I'm still alive. Really? The only thing worse then food poisoning is food poisoning with a nursing teething titty tyrant.

Beaten by a 5 month old

I'm dying. Slowly. Painfully. The life is being ripped from my chest by a 15 lbs blue eyed wailing ball of tears. I wake up in the morning look at the clock and start to count the hours and minutes until her first nap. When I must lay her in her crib and walk out of the room while she reaches for me and screams. Big crocodile tears rolling down her cheeks. It takes about eight minutes of screaming and the baby monitor goes silent. The occasional sobbing hiccup the only noise. And I look at the clock and count the hours and minutes until I must start the battle all over again. Everyone keeps telling me how proud they are and honestly when I hear this I want to junk punch them in their man business. It's only a natural part of childhood I hear. LIARS! I am the mommy. If this was natural I would feel it. Breastfeeding is natural. Making her smile and laugh is natural. THIS IS NOT! It goes against every mothering instinct I have. And if things couldn't get worse, now that Bug thinks I'm torturing her she is on a potty training strike. We were so close. Down to four diapers a day. I guess the moral of the story is there's only one way to go from the rock bottom. Up. And now I will quit focusing on the negitive and count the minutes until she wakes up, realizes I'm waiting right by her crib, and gives me the biggest toothless smile and my heart mends itself just a little.

Sleep Torture, I mean Training.

Wow, my first blog how exciting! This is the week that my husband and I (mostly him) decided we want our bed back. We spent a lot of hard earned money on a queen temperpedic mattress a couple years ago not thinking of kids or cosleeping and frankly my family has outgrown it. We received a beautiful and expensive crib as a present from fairy godmother when we found out I was expecting our little bug. She is now 5 1/2 months and will not sleep in it. Ever. We call her the velcro baby which is fine with me after 4 days of labor (YES 4 WHOLE DAYS) and an emergency csection I'm just happy she loves me. But my hubby wants like room to rollover in his bed and selfishness like that, so we are trying a modified version of the cry it out. Basically its called that because the whole time she is awake and screaming I'm setting on the couch crying hysterically. 1st day she never stopped crying. after an hour of straight crying for both of us I admit defeat and took her to bed with me. 2nd day after 45 min she went to sleep, less then an hour later and cried until I picked her up. 3rd night cried for 50min but stayed asleep for two hours. Lasting she fell asleep in under 5 min and stayed asleep for five hours people. I cannot believe how hard this has been on me. It makes me feel like the worst mother, and so selfish and mean. But it will get easier right? It has to.