Momma Bear

Wow. Some people shouldn't be allowed to work with kids. Ever. Bug had her first check up yesterday. Ever. She's 41 weeks. Our small town clinic has a poor track record. If its anything remotely serious I drive an hour north to a better facility, but just general stuff I go there. I trained to take care of my fathers medical needs, I research everything that has to do with my daughters as well. So I thought they could handle taking her measurements and checking her vision and hearing. I didn't know they would also take a heel pricked for anemia check. I have a bleeding problem, my dad had a bleeding problem. I hate to see Bug in pain, but it needed to be done.
Well we found out she is in the 25% for weight and height. She has excellent sight and hearing. She is way advanced in all her functioning and learning. But they thought she was anemic. They sent us to the lab for more blood work. We were extremely hesitant. But it needed to be done. Walking up to the lab I could hear the two technicians scrambling. They were having a hard time finding infant supplies. One woman looked like a hard smoking, leather skined, old bull dog. The man I'm sorry to say looked more then slightly mentally slow. I talked them into letting me hold her instead of strapping her to a table. Then the torture began. Bug didn't seem to mind the second heel stick of the hour. But these idiots were trying to fill an entire vial with a heel stick. My poor baby is a poor bleeder, and a screamer. This stupid bulldog grabs Bugs calf and foot and starts squeezing so hard her hands are white and shaking from the effort. They fill almost a quarter of the vial when the guy drops it. Bugs blood spills across their white tile floor. They start over.
Bug is bright purple, big crocodile tears streaming down her cheeks, screaming for help. I am singing and stroking and shaking. my jaw is clenched to tight I think my teeth will shatter. Hubby is stroking my back watching helplessly.Bulldog tries slapping the bleeding foot, shaking it, rubing it with cottonballs nothing works. Then she says screaming kids bleed better please stop trying to comfort your child! Im done I tell her. We are not doing this.
"Let's try this" she says and wraps a turnicate around Bugs little arm. Dumb and dumber argue over whether or not they can feel a vein. Bulldog says she thinks she can but the guy doesn't think so. " we take her down to ER and strap her to their table, I think I can get an I.V. port in that will give us all the blood we need."
Bug is twisting, screaming, crying, kicking, flailing. Purple. I look at my Hubby. " I am not going to let you go on a fishing expedition for this vein. So unless your 100% sure we are not doing this!" " I don't understand, I...think... I can hit it" she says back to me. The guy reacts appropriately. Put both hands up and backed away from us until he was against a wall, " if that's how you feel." Bulldog continues to try to bully us into this.
I ask to speak to our Dr and give Bug to Hubby. I calmly walk back to the nurse station, where I know everyone, when my saint of a Dr comes round the corner I lose it. I burst into tears, incoherently tell her whats happening. She's appalled. Go bring that child back here its not that important. I go collect my family and the half a vial of my daughters precious blood. My Dr tests the blood they have managed to collect and low and behold her blood levels are PERFECTLY NORMAL!OMFG! Bulldog tries to explain her machine requires more blood then my Drs machine. I reply " No wonder kids hate Dr offices."
We left as fast as we could. As soon as Bug was away from the horrible woman she calmed right down. I on the other hand cried the whole way home. I am so mad at myself for letting the situation go that far. If only I had asked for my Dr earlier. Why do we as a people feel the need to hand over total control to doctors. Even if it goes against ever instinct and knowledge we have. Put a lab coat on a bulldog and they are still just a bulldog.

Parent Guilt

I'm so tired. Complete Mombie. I'm not really sure exactly what happened or when it happened but Bugs sleep schedule went down the drain. Just when I was getting all look at my baby, sleeping almost all night long and in her crib too. I must be the perfect mother. Life steps in and kicks me in my giant momma balls and brings me back to reality. I think I got 3 hours of sleep last night. And that's a good night. I think I'm keeping Foldgers Coffee in business.
No one ever tells you the really real story of how your life is going to be like with a baby. Or maybe I didn't hear them over the hormonal need to reproduce. Cosleeping sounds all warm and fuzzy. You get to nurse and sleep. You get unlimited bonding with your baby. But in reality its like sleeping with an alligator that wants your boobs for its last meal. I thought I had it bad when she would latch on and sleep all night long, as long as I stayed in the same position. But I was wrong. Now she latches on, falls asleep like a little angel, and then flails all. Night. Long. I don't think she stops moving ever. I get slapped, kicked, headbutted, puked on, you name she does it. After the third heel kick to the nose I lost it. And I really try not to do that with her. At this age I think anger is not something she should feel directed at her from her parents.
See there I go getting all self righteous again. So I threw off the blankets, threw a pillow across the room. Might have screamed "this is so not fucking fair. Mommys need sleep to be good fucking mommys. I'M DONE!" And then I stormed to the couch, laid down, and listened to my daughter howl her rage. until my heart broke.

Funny Sh!t

Oh wow. I had to wait until Hubby got in the shower and I stopped laughing until I cry. Ok. So its the day before Thanksgiving and I am trying to bake my famous pumpkin and pecan pies. Not being a natural cook it takes all my focus and energy. Hubby is sweetly trying to entertain a very grumpy Bug. Add on top of that we are trying to get ready for the first ever birthday party we have ever gone to, and its storming outside. We have had to pump water, take care of our animals. Normal country living stuff.
So I am generally running around like a ferret on crystal meth. And a tad cranky myself. I have my back turned to the livingroom baking away when I hear Hubby yell "what did you just throw at me? OHMYGODSOFREAKINGROSS! TAKE HER TAKE HER! HELP ME!"
I forgot to tell Hubby that when I just changed Bugs diaper she was getting a little rash so I thought I would be an awesome parent and let her run around bucknaked until we had to dress he in her totally cute party outfit. In my hurry I just thought he would notice and pay a little extra attention. Nope. He went to the DVD shelf to pick himself a movie. And while his back was tuned Bug thought it would be a good idea to poop. And then EAT it. And then share some with her Daddy.
Do you know how hard it is to bath a baby while laughing until you pee alittle.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Leaps and Bounds

How can so much happen in such a short time. I don't even know where to begin. Guess I will get the bad stuff out of the way first. Bug stuck her hand to our fireplace. Hubby was watching her so I could do frivolous things like brush my hair and teeth when I heard the scream. After all was said and done she has 2nd degree burns on her ring and middle fingers and the top palm of her hand. After a couple hours of hysterical crying and a nap it never bothered her again. A week later it is almost completely healed with no complications. I have never been more angry, sad, and helpless in my life. I couldn't believe Hubby let this happen. This is the first major hurt and now I want to place her in a bubble. On the upside she stays far away from any fireplace now. So I guess lesson learned for both of us. Accidents happened. We deal with it and move on trying not to blame anyone.
Now the good stuff. Bug also took her first steps yesterday! Three whole unassisted glorious steps. And promptly fell on her backside. The look on her face was priceless. And my whole "please don't cry in my presence" self cried and cried and cried some more.
Her personality is really starting to lighten up to thank god! Hubby and I are such goofballs I was a little worried when she didn't crack a smile until 6 months and just recently started laughing. And only for Hubby and I. But now she is playful, giggly, and even loving. My please don't touch me child has decided mommy does the funniest happy dance if given unsolicited kisses. Hey I gotta get kisses anyway I can. I read a phrase from becomingsarah.com once. She tells her adorable daughter she is kiss powered. And I firmly believe I am to. I live for these little spontaneous open mouthed, drool covered kisses. They truly keep me going. Especially when I have to change nasty solid food diapers. Eeewwww.